When friends outside of medicine hear that I’ve just gotten married, their first question is always, “Where are you going for your honeymoon?” The answer, “Nowhere, at least not yet,” usually comes with a long explanation. And a sigh.
My (now) husband is in the sixth year of his surgical residency. It’s a busy, demanding season of life filled with long hours, unpredictable schedules, and a lot of solo time on my end. Most weeks, he works close to 80 hours. We don’t always get to see each other during the day, but we’ve learned to make the most of the time we do have, from a call on his drive home to a quick text between cases, to a few quiet minutes together before we fall asleep.
When it came to our wedding, our time was limited. His vacation days had already been used, gone to flying around the country for fellowship interviews. A week-long wedding celebration or jetting off on a post-wedding honeymoon just wasn’t in the cards for us.
We got married out of state and had exactly 3 days before he had to be back at the hospital – travel and all. We felt lucky to have squeezed in the extra day just to get our marriage license, which was required to obtain both in-state and in-person. I considered getting the license early in our home city, but courthouse hours (Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.) meant he couldn’t make it. In residency, time isn’t just scarce; it’s ruled by rigid clinical schedules and the unspoken expectation that life outside the hospital can wait.
Still, despite all the challenges and constraints that go along with marrying a resident, we got our license, the wedding day itself went off without a hitch, and felt like a magical escape from reality. Surrounded by the people we love most, we let ourselves be completely present. We laughed, we danced, and we soaked in every second, knowing it would be over before we knew it. He was able to relax, though we both felt the weight of the demanding weeks ahead.
Less than 48 hours after the wedding, he dove straight into a month of night shifts (and yes, I’m writing this post-wedding while he sleeps). We ended up having one full day together as newlyweds, thanks to a kind co-resident who covered his Sunday night shift. We called it our “honey-night.” It was simple – massages, dinner, and a brownie sundae. But it was ours.
When is the real honeymoon, you ask? He gets one two-week vacation block a year, (but of course we didn’t learn the exact dates until the week before our wedding) so we’re lucky enough to have an actual honeymoon scheduled in a few months. And because nothing ever works out quite the way you think it will, he’ll be on nights again when we return.
Since he began working nights, our rhythm has changed. The days are quiet and I fill the alone time with things to keep busy. We usually have an hour or two together each day, often spent on simple moments like grocery store dates and holding hands as we walk down the aisles. It takes real effort to be intentional with our time and to find joy and connection in unexpected places.
During our ceremony, someone noted that our relationship thrives on these little gestures and shared routines – things residency hasn’t taken from us. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I won’t lie, there are moments when I feel sad about the limited time we get. It’s tough to go from such a joyous high to the monotony and solitude of working from home. But I hold onto the moments between where we get to connect. Love, like sleep and weekends in medicine, has to be fiercely guarded.
If someone asked me whether they should get married during residency, I would say yes, just be ready to be flexible. The traditional honeymoon might have to wait, but the silver lining is learning to find joy in the small, fleeting moments. Those moments, like our “honey-night,” are what really matter.
