For so many physicians, a career in medicine is a true calling. Physicians commit themselves to years of physically and mentally rigorous training. This commitment to medicine often comes with hidden costs, some of which are felt most deeply within the walls of their own homes. Missed family dinners, important events celebrated without everyone present, a growing sense of emotional and physical distance, and feeling like an outsider are just a few examples.
The unique pressures of a career in medicine can place immense strain on a physician marriage, a reality that many physician couples know all too well, but are not adequately prepared for.
Let’s consider Dr. Tamara, a surgical resident, and her husband, Mark, a high school teacher. When they married during med school, oh, they were so full of optimism about their future together! Mark admired Tamara’s passion for medicine and supported her in any way that he could. Mark had long ago heeded the not-so-subtle warnings from his wife’s attendings that medicine would come first. Dr. Tamara cherished Mark’s steady support and self-sufficiency. He took pride in her successes. They were a team.
However, as Dr. Tamara progressed through residency, the ground between them slowly began to crack. Imperceptible at first, but a divide that would only get wider with the passing years. Her 60-hour workweeks meant missed dinners, canceled plans, and conversations that were constantly interrupted by pagers, urgent calls, or just complete and utter exhaustion. Mark learned to set his individual dreams aside to keep the family afloat.
Mark found himself explaining his wife’s absence as if it were always part of the plan. In his quiet moments, he would catch himself wondering if their life together was ever going to get better, to look like the dream that had sustained them through years of training and sacrifice.
Dr. Tamara would come home physically and emotionally drained; the weight of all of it was so, so much. She wanted to connect with Mark; she didn’t like the awkwardness between them, the effort required to have “normal conversations,” but she had nothing left to give. Even a casual touch with Mark felt weird, “When did this happen?” she wondered.
Mark, in turn, felt increasingly isolated and far from his old self. Someone, at some point, had told him he just couldn’t understand what it was like for Dr. Tamara to be a physician. So, he stopped asking, not wanting to burden her further. They did talk, but their conversations were usually limited to navigating work schedules and managing their home and their children. They lived parallel to one another, co-parenting their children and running their household. Long gone were the days when they felt connected, taking an active interest in one another as individuals.
The chasm between them felt wide. “But at least we’re still talking,” they would tell themselves, “It can’t be that bad.” Never mind their lack of physical intimacy.
This story, while completely hypothetical, reflects the lived experience of countless physician couples navigating the demands of a medical marriage. The challenges faced by Dr. Tamara and Mark are not unique, nor is the divide between them insurmountable. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in physician marriages, the story of Mark and Dr. Tamara reflects the shared experiences of so many physician couples. Life in medicine can feel overwhelming, and there is hope. The very realistic hope that clients experience when I ask, “How will we know when our work together is done? What will be different in your relationship?”, shifts their attention from their current distress to what is in fact possible.
In order to understand the impact medicine has on medical marriages, a systemic lens rooted in the work of Dr. Murray Bowen is our best tool. Dr. Bowen, a psychiatrist, revolutionized our understanding of mental well-being by shifting from a disease model to a more holistic model, highlighting humans as interconnected with each family functioning as an emotional unit.
Stress experienced by Dr. Tamara or Mark inevitably affects the other and their family system as a whole, including their children. The strength of the family lies in Dr. Tamara and Mark’s dyad. Their alliance with one another, their overall wellness, and their ability to differentiate as individuals are critical to the health of their entire family system. When medicine inserts itself into their marriage, it negatively impacts all of these factors.
At some point, and only Mark and Dr. Tamara could tell you exactly when, medicine entered their system as a third entity. This was the moment when Mark and Dr. Tamara metaphorically turned from facing one another to both facing medicine instead. Their healthy dyad just became a very unhealthy triad. And, this is the moment when the crack formed in the ground between them, as always happens when partners turn away from one another.
Whether it be a profession, an addiction, or another individual, when we place someone or something at the same level or higher than our partner, we undermine their trust and felt sense of safety in the relationship.
Now, medicine will tell you otherwise, but my advice is – don’t listen to it. Both Dr. Tamara and Mark learned early on to allow medicine to come first, because that is what is expected of physician marriages. Little did they know that allowing medicine to do so would undermine their marriage and negatively impact them individually, including failing to buffer Dr. Tamara from the stress of being a physician.
Reorienting Mark and Dr. Tamara toward one another again and extricating medicine from this marriage may sound like a completely impossible undertaking. But I assure you it is not, especially if Mark and Dr. Tamara are both on board. Even if one of them is reluctant, it may not take long for them to see the personal benefit.
The good news is that physician couples can take steps at any time to protect, repair, and nurture their bond. A career in medicine is demanding, but it does not have to come at the expense of a fulfilling marriage. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: a connected marriage can buffer against the stress of a career in medicine. Imagining us all as ships at sea, when the waves are rough and the winds have tattered our sails, our partner, and only our partner, can provide the protective safe harbor we need to regulate and regroup before continuing on our journey.
By acknowledging the unique challenges, communicating with intention, and working as a team, physician couples can build a partnership that not only survives the rigors of a medical life but thrives within it.
Here are some actionable strategies for physician couples to prevent medicine from becoming the third member of your marriage :
1. Medicine Is Not Your Partner
In the same way that we do not defer to our children, in-laws, or our plumber to make decisions for our marriage, we do not defer to medicine. For example, the next time it is assumed Dr. Tamara will take call when she was not originally scheduled for it, “I need to talk to Mark first,” is the million-dollar answer. She may still take the call, but it will only be after turning toward Mark and making this decision together, considering both of their thoughts and feelings related to this issue. Qualitatively, this is worlds apart from the days when she would reflexively say “yes.”
2. Prioritize Intentional Connection:
Given the limited time together, connection must be intentional. Schedule regular, protected time to connect. For Dr. Tamara, this means intentionally kissing Mark before leaving the house, and sending him a quick text or funny meme during the day in between cases. It can also look like a 5-minute check-in each evening, or a 15-minute weekly “date night,” even if it’s just sitting in the kitchen talking with phones off, getting to know one another again.
Both Mark and Dr. Tamara have committed to asking for the occasional 20-second oxytocin-releasing hug recommended by Dr. John Gottman to reduce stress, strengthen their relationship and improve their physical connection.
3. Foster Individual Wellness
The stress of a life in medicine on both the physician and their partner is undeniable and best managed proactively. It is the responsibility of each partner to monitor their overall well-being and take action when they notice they are struggling. As Dr. Tamara and Mark experience the natural ebbs and flows of life, it is normal and healthy for them to pick up each other’s slack. But when one of them is habitually struggling, leading the other to increasingly take on more and more, the system is no longer functioning in a healthy manner.
4. Proactively Seek Professional Support:
Don’t wait until your relationship is in crisis to seek help. Working with an experienced couple’s therapist will help Dr. Tamara and Mark work efficiently to achieve their desired goals. Viewing therapy as a tool for strengthening your partnership, rather than a last resort, can make a world of difference. The earlier you seek therapy, the more support and tools you will have to move your relationship out of distress and into a state of health.
A career in medicine is demanding, but it does not have to come at the expense of a fulfilling marriage. By acknowledging the unique challenges, communicating with intention, and working as a team, physician couples can build a partnership that not only survives the rigors of a medical life but thrives within it.
“But, what if the above recommendations aren’t enough?” Well then, they aren’t enough. Something more is needed. In the same way that we do not judge patients for not responding well to the oft prescribed first-line agents for whatever medical issue they are seeking treatment, we are not going to judge couples who need more support. If more support is needed, it’s needed, and it may look like books, counsel from trusted individuals who are supportive of the marriage or marriage therapy.
These are three books from experts in the field of marriage therapy I recommend:
- Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson;
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman; and
- Us: Getting Past You and Me by Terrence Real, LCSW.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in physician couples, I’m always happy to consult with potential clients and can be reached through my website: www.MarriageTherapyforMedicalProfessionals.com.
