Doctors understand better than anyone the toll sleep deprivation can take on their physical and mental well-being. From making critical decisions to performing delicate procedures, their job demands peak cognitive function, which can be compromised by lack of sleep. The impact sleep deprivation has on safety and performance is so overwhelming that in 2003, the ACGME got on board, setting limits to residency duty hours because they “recognize all too clearly the effect of sleep deprivation on our ability to deliver quality care to our patients and also to care for ourselves”.
So what happens when your spouse/partner works odd shifts in the ER or is working call and consistently disrupting your sleep? Maybe you experience daytime fatigue, irritability, and even impaired cognitive function. You might even wake up grouchy or angry and begin to feel tension in your relationship. All of this sounds like a recipe for disaster, or at minimum, a really frustrated household.
This is when some physician couples might think about the concept of “sleep divorce” and how it might be a solution to their sleep woes.
Sleep divorce, as the name suggests, involves partners opting to sleep in separate rooms or beds to mitigate disturbances (and frustrations) that arise from different sleep schedules. Maybe it is sleeping in separate beds every night or just during those hectic call nights when one partner leaves/comes home late. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing deal – it’s more like a flexible arrangement that you can tailor to fit your needs. The key is to find what works for you and your family.
While the idea of sleeping apart may initially raise eyebrows, particularly in a culture that equates physical proximity with intimacy, pro-sleep divorcees argue that the benefits of improved sleep quality and reduced relationship strain outweigh any perceived drawbacks.
As with any lifestyle adjustment, sleep divorce comes with its own set of pros and cons. Let’s discuss:
Pros:
- Better Sleep Quality: Sleeping separately can eliminate disturbances, like different sleep schedules, leading to improved sleep quality for both partners.
- Reduced Relationship Strain: By prioritizing individual sleep needs, couples may experience less tension and resentment stemming from sleep disruptions, leading to a stronger relationship overall.
- Improved Performance for Everyone: With more restful sleep, both physicians and their partner can perform better at work and home.
Cons:
- Perceived Emotional & Physical Distance: Some couples worry that sleeping separately could lead to feelings of distance or isolation, potentially impacting both emotional and physical intimacy.
- Logistical Challenges: Setting up separate sleeping arrangements may require additional space or resources, which might not be feasible for all couples- especially those renting or on a residency budget.
- Social Stigma: Sleep divorce is still a relatively new concept for us non-royals, which may lead to judgment or misunderstanding from friends, family, or society at large.
So, how can you approach sleep divorce in a way that works for you and your partner? Start by having an open and honest conversation about your sleep needs and concerns. Here are some tips for talking to your physician partner about sleep divorce:
- Choose the Right Time: Find a quiet moment when you’re both relaxed and free from distractions to broach the topic. Avoid bringing it up during stressful or busy times.
- Express Your Concerns: Share your thoughts and feelings about your sleep struggles and how they’re impacting your well-being and your relationship. Be honest but compassionate.
- Listen Actively: Give your partner the opportunity to share their own experiences and concerns about sleep. Listen without interrupting or judging.
- Brainstorm Solutions Together: Approach the conversation as a team and brainstorm potential solutions that could improve your sleep quality without sacrificing closeness or intimacy.
- Be Open to Compromise: Remember that sleep divorce doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Be willing to explore different arrangements and find what works best for both of you.
Think about whether sleep divorce, or a variation of it, might be a good option for you and your partner. Sleep divorce can offer a flexible solution to common sleep problems faced by physicians and their spouse/partner, allowing both to get the rest they need without sacrificing closeness or intimacy. If you approach the conversation with empathy, honesty, and a willingness to listen, you can find a solution that works for both of you and ensures you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle whatever the day throws your way.
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